Virginal DoIT employees struggling with performance issues

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Following weeks of persistent wireless outages, University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Department of Information Technology has come forward and publicly acknowledged its current struggle with performance issues.

In a press release issued Thursday, Jake Turner, a high-ranking student employee at DoIT, implored dissatisfied UW students to forgive DoIT staffers for, as he put it, “going soft where it counts.”

“We at DoIT understand our obligation to the student body and acknowledge our failure to satisfy you,” the press release reads. “UW is a large institution and its wireless network has a myriad of moving parts. As such, when UWNet goes down, we at DoIT often have a hard time getting it up.”     

Turner repeatedly pointed to the intricacy of the wireless network in an attempt to explain why it keeps going down, and cited stress, late nights, and low self-esteem as reasons why DoIT employees are struggling to get it up.

Furthermore, Turner said many of the issues surrounding the wireless network can be attributed to malfunctions in DoIT’s server farm, located in the basement of DoIT headquarters.

“We get so excited at the prospect of providing consistent and dependable internet access, but when it comes down to it, it’s pretty much dead down there,” Turner said. “Things go wrong down below, and when people end up disappointed, everybody seems to think it’s our fault that we couldn’t deliver. It’s hurtful, unfair, and completely demoralizing.”

Turner later went on to lament at length the hopelessness and woe DoIT staffers feel when they see students connecting with other wireless networks.  

“OK, so maybe those cocky douches at Espresso Royale have the strongest connection on campus,” he said. “Maybe you quake at the thought of the size of their bandwidth; maybe you spend all day longing to get a taste of their ping. But where will they be when you’re all alone at 3:00 a.m. and have no one else to turn to?”

Fortunately, Turner went on to suggest there may be light at the end of the tunnel for DoIT. Technicians on staff believe they may have narrowed the problem to a widespread dysfunction of small electrical components known as “Electronic Requisite Tiles,” which are soldered to the motherboards of DoIT’s heavy-duty routers.

“E-Req. Tile dysfunction is likely the main reason why we’ve encountered performance issues with UWNet and have had a hard time getting it up,” Turner said.

To rectify this dysfunction, Turner said DoIT intends to implement an advanced troubleshooting methodology called Circuit Integration and Linkage, Internal Soldering—or, as it is known in the I.T. world, CIALIS.