WASHINGTON— With the introduction of the latest plan to override the Affordable Care Act, Republicans in Congress have outlined new provisions that will go into effect immediately if the bill is passed. The Graham-Cassidy Bill has been criticized for hiking premiums and failing to cover preexisting conditions, while its most aggressive addition cuts to the chase of the bill’s main goal in allowing GOP congressmen to personally kill the poor.
“That’s all it is, really,” said senator Bill Cassidy, who co-wrote the bill, “We want the poor to die, so why not do it ourselves?”
The bill has come under fire from Democrats as being “murder” and “literally against the law,” but Republican leadership seems very confident that they can squeeze the bill through.
“When you think about it, we’re not doing anything wrong,” said Senator Lindsey Graham while polishing a shotgun, “We’re trying to take health insurance away from 23 million people. Some of those people are definitely going to die as a direct result. So we’re just gonna get ‘em first, ya know?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love indirectly killing people” said Republican speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, curling a 15 lb weight, “but it really is so much sweeter when you can do it with your own hands. To feel someone squirm for breath and watch the light leave their eyes. There’s nothing quite like it.”
“Oh, this’ll be a big, easy win for the GOP,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “I’ve been spending most of my free time just cruising around low income areas with my other fellow senators. Just scoping out the territory. We’re all very excited.” At this point, Senator Cruz whipped out a golden gun and waved it around. “I just got it on Ebay! You know, like James Bond?”
The bill isn’t very specific about who will be eligible for this “sympathetic euthanasia,” but it vaguely targets anyone below or around a $100,000 salary. Many Democratic senators have also been quick to point out that only Republican congressmen are allowed this privilege.
“On top of the already heinous crime of murder, it’s also elaborate voter fraud” said Democratic Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer. “They’ll take this opportunity to target lower class liberals to skew the election.”
Republican senate majority leader Mitch McConnell was quick to put these rumors to rest.
“That is simply not true,” McConnell said, “We will not discriminate between the democratic and republican poor. They’re all filthy in our eyes.”
Congress is expected to vote on the new healthcare bill as soon as they possibly can.