UW MADISON— Students across campus have been shocked and aroused by the recurring sight of Freshman Derek Johnson wearing his high school letter jacket. Since the start of term, Johnson has been wearing the jacket off and on to classes and parties, prompting the same consensus from the entire student body: Whoa, that bro is getting laid this weekend.
Johnson persists in wearing his black and gold Tomah Timberwolf letter jacket, despite the fact that the temperature has not yet dipped below forty degrees. Some reports even put him in the jacket on 80 degree days.
“He must be sweltering in that thing! That thing is made of wool and leather. But he seems to know exactly what he is doing, because I know he is getting laid this weekend. Like, hardcore boned” said Sophomore Maddie Murphy.
Many students disagree as to whether he’ll be boned because of his persistent high school pride, or because of the five golden chevrons covering most of his right sleeve.
“Derek was an honors student,” Senior Michael Burns said. “Shit, I’ve got three honors letters on my old letter jacket, but it’s in storage at home. But even if I wore it, I still wouldn’t get boned half as much as Derek. He’s got four tennis letters too.”
“I could care less about how many letters he’s got,” freshman Abby Lemon said, “It’s his undying devotion to his hometown mascot that gets me warm. Have you seen his letter jacket? It’s got a timberwolf on it! A mascot that cool will get you fucked Monday to Sunday with only a break for Mama’s fruit punch.”
UW professors have also found it difficult to teach with Johnson in their classroom, citing an unprofessional desire to “strip him down to nothing but the jacket and give him an A+ on his probably massive dong.”