Heartbreaking: No one hit by the 80 this year can get free tuition as they’re already on full scholarships

Around UW-Madison, it’s a well-known fact that if the 80 buses accidentally hits a student, the student is granted full tuition reimbursement for any damages that might have occurred.  While many students use this as a way to fund their education at the expense of functioning limbs, others aren’t so lucky.  Especially this semester.  So far, every single student that the 80 has hit has been ineligible for tuition reimbursement because they already had a full scholarship.  Talk about irony!

           As of today, four different 80 drivers have hit seven different students.  Of the seven students, two were on football scholarships, one qualified for full government assistance, and four were on academic scholarships ranging from cancer research to astrophysics.   Of the bus drivers, all professed excessive remorse and regret with the exception of Ted Gibbons, who was responsible for three of the incidents.

“My aim has been pretty on point this semester,” Gibbons told reporters.  “I usually go for the kids that look like they have the most to lose.  So far it hasn’t done be wrong.”

           Doctors have diagnosed both of the athletes with multiple career ending fractures and ligament tears.  What’s worse, the university has already paid their tuition, so their scholarships can’t be offered to other players that could actually make a contribution to our football program.

           “Obviously these students have been the victims of terrible accidents that are completely the fault of university employee,” said Financial Aid Director Emma Knutson.  “Unfortunately, UW-Madison has already given these students a tremendous financial gift by paying for their tuition, so there’s really nothing else we can do.  Our hands are tied.”

           The injuries of all students will almost certainly lead to enormous medical bills and a rehabilitation schedule that will make it impossible for them to attend classes for the rest of the semester.  On top of that, UW-Madison has said it won’t be giving them any money as reimbursement for their injuries, as scholarship money can only be used to cover tuition costs.  Clearly these academic and athletic prodigies will spend the rest of their semesters in debilitating pain and increasing debt.  Looks like it doesn’t always pay to excel above your peers!