Gorsuch confirmation fucks up 4 v 4 SCOTUS kickball league

Following a controversial rule change, the Senate voted to confirm Neil Gorsuch as the newest Supreme Court Justice. Prior to Gorsuch’s confirmation, there were 8 SCOTUS judges, and they were able to divide evenly into teams of 4 for kickball. There are now 9 SCOTUS judges, and the SCOTUS kickball league is in chaos.

There are typically 9 justices, and when one dies they are usually replaced quickly enough that there’s not enough time to establish a 4 on 4 kickball league. The liberal judges call their team “Clear and Present Danger,” while the conservative judges call theirs “Originalist Gangsta”. Gorsuch’s confirmation, however, creates the need for fundamental changes to the way the league is run, if it is to be continued. Several justices have come forward with their thoughts on what should be done.

“This league is all I have,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy. “But if Mr. Gorsuch’s approval will make it so that kickball will never be fair, I say we put the league on hold until the next one of us dies. I’m certain there will be enough obstruction that we’ll have time for at least one real season of kickball.”

This notion was struck down with a 5 - 3 vote because most justices felt that a bad kickball league is better than a joyless life with no league at all.

“This is actually what the league needs!” said Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg. “Two teams of four just creates a dichotomy system within the Supreme Court. 9 judges can be split 3 ways, we can create 3 teams and more than just 1 matchup. Washington can use a shakeup.”

The other justices turned down this notion in a 7 - 1 vote because it would mean teamwork with liberal and conservative judges.


“Have Gorsuch always play for the kicking team,” said Chief Justice Roberts. “The advantage will be the same for both teams and we can keep the league teams as is.”

This plan was also struck down in a 6 - 2 vote because the justices believed that Gorsuch would kick along party lines, disadvantaging the liberal team.

If the deadlock continues, reports indicate that Trump will use an executive check on the legislative branch, and place Jared Kushner in the league to make it 5 v 5.