Op-ed: I don’t know who Jeff Sessions is and it’s too late to ask now

Look, I get it. This is an esteemed research university. Students here are intelligent, critical, and politically savvy, but let me get real for a moment. I have no fucking clue who or what Jeff Sessions is.

Sure, I’ll nod along whenever my liberal friends say “Sessions is a dick,” because yeah! Yeah he is! Fuck that guy, right?! Unless he’s done some good stuff too, I guess. I don’t really know. It’s like, excuse me for not having all the time in the world to just Google people willy-nilly. I just started re-watching Switched at Birth on Netflix. Do you know how many seasons that show is?! Too many! They really should have stopped after Season 3. It just dragged on and got laborious! Clearly I’m busy!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s my crippling uninformed knowledge about the state of our government.

And hey, I’m not dumb. I’m just like you. I took a high school sophomore English class, so I know what “inferring” is. And from what I’ve inferred, I’ve created a list of who or what Jeff Sessions might be:

  • A trash can with googly eyes that Trump throws away briefings in while shouting “Kobe.”

  • Some sort of new White House jester calling upon Shakespearean themes of foolery that they bring around whenever Congress gets upset talking about a woman’s right to choose.

  • A literal monthly session with all the Jeffs in America to talk about people with the name “Geoff” and where they think they get off.

  • Another white guy, almost definitely?

It’s too fucking late to ask now, so I guess I’ll continue disassociating while my rights are slowly stripped away.