We Heard You: Memorial Union to be more inclusive to giants, adds 15ft tables

Citing a precedent set with the inclusion of large terrace chairs, Memorial Union announced Friday plans to bring in 15-foot tall tables to accompany the chairs to cater to the school’s population of mythical giants.

“It feels amazing to finally be recognized on campus as a legitimate population,” UW student and mythical giant The Great and Hairy Og said Thursday. “We’re sick of being used as a cheap cop-out whenever someone tries to joke about beanstalks. These days, a mythical giant student can’t even own a golden-egg-laying pet goose without being mocked as a stereotype. It’s despicable.”

Head Chair of terrace chairs at Memorial Union, Maggie McConnell, plans to include at least ten 15-footers to Memorial Union by April 2018. She hopes to conquer the radical divide between the fairytale legends and human students.

Calls for action have been demanded worldwide since the infamous Leprechaun Uprising in 2014.

“UW came out in full support of the LGBTQ+ community,” Leprechaun Union representative Johnny MacTinyman said in 2014. “They got their rainbow flags, but what was at the end of that rainbow? Nothing. No pot o’ gold for us. We as a mythical culture demand representation.”

The addition of giant tables on the terrace have sparked intrigue amongst UW affiliates about what McConnell will do next to bridge the drastic racial divide between students of color and white students on campus who legitimately exist.

“It is tragic that students of color feel that mythical creatures are better represented than themselves,” McConnell said in a press release past Monday. “We will do anything in our power to sweep that feeling under the rug with novelty attractions. Coming to Union South next fall: The UW Mermaid Student Grotto!”

At last report, Memorial Union has also invested in 1:10 scale versions of the tables for descendants of Tom Thumb, set to be incoming freshman in the fall of 2017.