White House memo reveals Steve Bannon eats only cigarettes

A leaked memorandum released this Tuesday reports that President Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon “ingests up to three full packs of cigarettes per day.”

Bannon, former executive chair of Breitbart News, has been subjected to much criticism and ridicule by media outlets regarding both his alleged associations with the White Nationalist movement and his unhealthy appearance since his appointment as assistant to President Trump. The memo reads that Bannon “is unable to function before having breakfast, consisting of a bowl of 10 cigarettes and tobacco-infused milk.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer stated that, while the information is indeed true, the White House condemns the hackers who released the memorandum. “We will do everything in our power to track down and hold those responsible for this unauthorized leak,” said Spicer.

The memo continues, stating that Bannon’s diet has not shown any deleterious effects on his health, besides a “persistent musty odor emitting from [Bannon] at all times.” It adds that other White House staffers have encouraged Bannon to add variety to his diet “to ensure adequate intake of vitamins and minerals.” Suggested foods include “anoles, squirrels from the White House lawn, and pig blood.”

The unsettling report comes as a revelation to many. Many anti-smoking groups initially moved to condemn Bannon, but backed down in confusion. “Wait, so he’s not smoking them, but… Eating? Oh my god, I have no idea anymore,” said Jenifer Mikelsyn, representative of Action on Smoking & Health. “Big Tobacco’s got to be behind this, right?”

Bannon has chosen to personally confirm the claims. “I have been eating exclusively cigarettes for 15 years, and believe this decision has increased my mental capacity tenfold,” said the Senior Counselor to the POTUS, nibbling on a filter. “By ensuring that my physical appearance looks as unappealing as possible, I believe the nation can focus more on the issues our administration is working to address.”

President Trump took to Twitter to address the leak, writing “the Mainstream Media is reporting that Steve Bannon is eating Newports. To no one’s surprise, this is FAKE NEWS! I personally know that Bannon eats only Camel Turkish Golds. Sad!”