Nice guy gets girl

In a “stunning development” earlier this week, self-proclaimed nice guy Tanner Rosnic entered a relationship with a woman to whom he’s been being nice for the past few weeks.

“All I can say is that it’s about time,” Rosnic said. “Do you know how many women I’ve been nice to with absolutely zero pay off? Let me give you a hint: A lot. I guess most women just hate being treated right.”

Rosic reported that after trying for “like a million years” to find someone with only one criteria point when looking for a relationship, all of his hard work paid off when he met his now girlfriend, Rachel Schultz.

After years of shit-talking women not interested in him and subsequently raising his already impossible standards while devaluing the autonomy of an entire gender, Rosnic finally met Schultz after she scolded him for hitting on the barista at Starbucks, “but in a sexy way”.

“When I met Rachel it was like, ‘thank you’, finally a woman who knows what to look for in a guy,” Rosnic said. “I think most women are just too stupid to see what a good guy looks like. Did you see the size of the tip I gave that barista? She still completely ignored me, I just don’t get it man.”

Schultz said that while on their first date, Rosnic could not stop expressing how happy he was for himself, claiming that it was “about time” something good happened to him.

“Do I like him? I mean, he was nice to me. What more should I ask for,” Schultz said. “On our first date he was nice and polite. How many other men are nice and polite the first time you go on a date with them?”

Rosnic’s roommate and fellow nice guy Brock Renton praised his friend’s accomplishment and discussed what it means for the future of his community.


“I really think he opened a door for all of us. You don’t know how exhausting it is pretending to be nice all time, and I think women are finally going to see how much effort we’re putting into being nice to them.” Renton said. “It’s like, bitch, you want a good guy? I’m right here. I’m trying to get to you before all the assholes do, Jesus Christ.”

Rosnic says so far the best thing about being in a relationship is all free time he has now compared to the single life.

“When I was single, I was focusing all my energy on forcing myself to seem nice to every woman I met. Now that I’m in a relationship I feel like I can finally focus some of my energy on myself for a change. God knows I deserve it.