Mike Pence: “Veteran’s benefits should apply to members of God’s Army”

In a statement made Thursday, House Republicans released their latest policy proposal, spearheaded by Mike Pence. The bill would extend Veteran's benefits to those who have actively fought in God’s army.

“In my opinion, this is long overdue,” commented Vice President Pence. “When talking about the longest, most draining wars in recent times, the War in Afghanistan is mentioned but the War on Christmas is not? It’s about time these brave, holy souls get the recognition and support they deserve.”

Steve Chabot of Ohio is the lead on the bill, and worked extensively on determining who qualifies as a member of The Lord’s Army. The qualifying process works as follows:

To qualify: BOTH of List A’s requirements must be met and a minimum of three from List B must be fulfilled.

List A

  • Attend church weekly

    • Exceptions: African Methodist Episcopal Church, Unitarians

  • Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

List B

  • Regular phampletting of street corners spreading either a message of God’s eternal love OR raising awareness that masterbaters burn forever

  • Cried when Spotlight won Best Picture

  • Share “God saw you see this picture, repost if you love Him, ignore if you want to burn in Hell. 99 percent of people will keep scrolling, will you be the one percent?” images on Facebook

  • Stone gays

  • Have the Ten Commandments memorized

  • Donate monthly to the needy OR to new church renovations

“Veterans from both spiritual and non-spiritual conflicts are often fighting the same foes: the Muslims,” continued Pence on the defense of this bill. “Why is it that we only give benefits to one type of soldier?”

Chabot and other Republicans have commented that while the bill is a great start, more can be done to honor those who have sacrificed for His cause.

“We will do whatever is possible to protect our borders from the Mexicans and our hearts and loins from Satan,” said Chabot.

Pence believes that members of God’s army often receive too little respect as they are not fighting in combat like traditional veterans have.

“Our veterans fight our human enemies, but God’s soldiers are fighting a war that’s advancing on many fronts in many ways.” said Pence. He listed the primary enemies of God as cheap birth control, pornography, Ellen DeGeneres, and those who say God was Arab looking.