Op-ed: I became a Green Beret just so I could wear a beret without feeling like an asshole

I think it’s about time I came clean on this one. I’ve served my country, and I’m proud of that. But I’d be lying if I said it was for anything other than this sick ass hat. My god, it goes with every outfit.

Before I joined the military I would try wearing a beret but it just didn’t work. What what was my excuse? No one wants to be that dickhead casually wearing a beret “just because”. We get it, you like art or poetry or something, but put a different hat on. This hat is reserved only for those who can shoot guns, jump high, and climb things military style. And once I realized that I knew I had to enlist. I just couldn't give up the hat, it frames my face too well.

After completing army boot camp, serving within the military for three years, mastering a foreign language, passing the Special Forces Assessment and Selection Course, training in the tactics of guerilla and psychological warfare, passing the Special Forces Qualification Course, and doing a minimum of 54,750 push-ups*, I was finally able to complete my look with the only hat that could complement, yet not overpower, the rest of the outfit. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for a hat that so well enhanced and defined your features.

Was it difficult? Sure. And yeah, I’ve seen some horrible stuff, but do you think I give a shit about that? Look at this hat! Seriously, look at it. My cheek bones have never looked so chiseled.

My only complaint? I kinda wish it was a different color. A light blue would really help to bring out my eyes.

*this is an actual calculation by the way, I’m not making this number up.