ASM to divest from intersectional legislation

After a meeting Wednesday in which Jewish Associated Students of Madison representatives, who were absent due to Passover, could not vote on legislation pertinent to companies with close ties to Israel, ASM announced Thursday plans to divest from any and all intersectional legislation that intended to help more than one minority group on campus.

In a statement released to the press, ASM spokesperson Jason Klein stated “Well, we tried to softball it with the whole ‘Israeli divestment bill’ earlier, but now that the cat’s out of the bag that we can ever only actively campaign for one type of person on the University of Wisconsin campus, it’s better to just let people know from the outset that tolerance is a one-way street.”

When asked what issues ASM will tackle in the future, Klein replied “ASM hopes to continue its legacy of generic and uninformed legislation complicit in handicapping the University while simultaneously trying to let as few people know as possible about our rulings in order to not have to hear the other side of important conversations. At ASM, it’s pertinent that the views of the student body are viewed by us the same way they are in the United States Congress; petty and unimportant.”

At last report, ASM was preparing to craft legislation requiring students to eat meat once a day and for the University of Wisconsin to divest from “farms complicit in indoctrinating humans into vegetarian and vegan lifestyles.”