UW study shows 73% of people apologize to pet after it sees them fuck

A study of human sexuality conducted by a University of Wisconsin research team revealed an unexpected finding. The study focused on comparing the reported level of sexual fulfillment of pet owners versus those who do not co-habitate with companion animals.

Almost three out of four respondents confessed that they apologize to their pet after it sees them fucking.

The study, which kept the identities of its participants anonymous, was published Friday. The report included quotes from several respondents.

“This always seems to happen, no matter what I do,” one participant said. “Right when things are really starting to heat up, my cat jumps onto the bed. It really takes me out of the moment and I can’t help but feel guilty about it.”

Other participants noted the awkward, at times embarrassing experience of realizing their pet was present after engaging in sex.

“I don’t know whether she really can understand what’s going on, but it felt weird as hell when I got up and started to snap out of my post-coital haze, and there I saw my dog just staring at me,” said another participant. “I felt like I had just flashed a child or something. I pulled her aside after my date left and gave her ‘the talk.’”

The same participant solemnly added later in her interview, “I can’t look her in the eye anymore; things haven’t been the same since.”

Multiple participants in the study also spoke of the effect pets have had on their sex life.

“I feel like just having a cat gets me a lot of dates. I tell people I have a cat and they automatically think, ‘oh, he’s so sensitive!’” said one male participant. “On the other hand, I can’t help but feel this evil eye boring into my soul when I finally make it to pound town. Mewy Lewis won’t sleep in my bed for a week afterwards.”

The finding has led researchers to work on solutions for pet owners reporting sexual issues caused by their furry companions. However, head researcher Richard Wyland reports that there is no simple solution for this problem, which can tear apart relationships both with humans and other species.

“We are just beginning to realize the impact this can have on pet owners, who may feel ashamed by their pet observing them during sex,” said Wyland. “Some may feel their pets are judging their performance, while others may feel they inadvertently violated their pet. It’s a complicated issue and we will be doing more work to study animal responses to human sexual behavior. We hope future studies will ‘throw us a bone,’ as they say.”