Student who got into all eight Ivy League schools still waiting for acceptance into fathers’ heart

Citing an instinctive need for a strong parental presence in her life and a lack of support and admiration when needed most, New Jersey high school senior Rachel Stevens stated that her acceptance into all eight Ivy League schools would be pointless without the love and care from her father she’s been so desperately missing.

“Harvard and Princeton are cool I guess, but if my dad never validates my existence, then what’s the point, really,” Stevens said while intently staring at the last text sent from her father, with thousands of dollars of scholarships splayed out in front of her.

Stevens’s father Greg, described by many as “A royal fuck-up”, maintains that he is still an active part of his daughter’s life, despite not seeing her in person in two years.

“Listen, Rachel’s a great gal, really charmin’ girl,” remarked Mr. Stevens as he spat tobacco into an old coffee cup. “I see her all the time. Was just up in Jersey for her… wait, what birthday was that? Lemme get back to you on that one.”

When asked what he thought of Steven’s massive accomplishment, Mr. Stevens replied, “Sure didn’t show in the local youth basketball league. Thought I was gonna get a bonafide WNBA star, instead I got a girl who doesn’t even know where the half court line was. What good’s an education if it isn’t tied to a full ride athletic scholarship?”

At last report, Stevens had selected the University of Pennsylvania not due to its academic excellence, but due to its proximity to Lansdale, Pennsylvania, the mediocre Philadelphia suburb in which Greg Stevens lives.