Wow! 13 facts you already knew!

  1. Piano keys cannot unlock doors like normal keys can. Piano keys are actually attached to a piano, and if you tried to fit one into a lock you would not succeed without immense effort.
  2. Lance Armstrong spent years of his life and used drugs so he could make his bike wheels spin a little bit faster. Objectively the universe, as well as a majority of humans, finds little value in marginal increases of bicycle speed.
  3. The majority of the victims of radical Islamic terrorism victims are Muslim. Islamophobia has run rampant and many Americans are understandably afraid, but to punish Muslims or Islam as a whole would be very unjust.
  4. Cutting one pizza in half will provide you with two sizable portions of pizza, but the total amount of pizza has not changed. Mathematically, you cannot increase the size of a pizza without putting a pizza back in the oven with more toppings or dough.
  5. Beanie hats have no association with the legume, refried or otherwise. To have a legume on your head or put a beanie in your burrito would be downright silly.
  6. Planned Parenthood actually decreases the number of abortions performed in the US. By providing women with contraceptives, abortions decrease. Therefore, if republicans claim they want to decrease abortion or criminalize it, they should in theory support Planned Parenthood more. Instead they are trying to defund it.
  7. Someone can be named Rob, and Rob can be a robber. However, there is no way that Rob the robber can be the “robbest”. That is not how superlatives work.
  8. Standing on a chair makes you feel tall, but you actual height does not change. Your vertical position changes, but that is only because your feet are higher than usual. Your body cannot undergo that kind of growth.
  9. Journalists are not the enemy of the American people. The free press is necessary and vital to a functional democracy, and will always act as a critic to governments and politicians.
  10. The word naïve has two dots above its ‘i’. There is not a long nosed man hiding in the middle of the word. The two dots may look menacing, but it is an innocent word and deserves respect.
  11. Your fingers operate entirely differently than octopus tentacles. Fingers have bones,while tentacles do not, but you have every right to pretend they are one and the same.
  12. Donald Trump mocked a disabled reporter. There is reason to believe he did not mock the reporter’s disability, because he makes fun of non-disabled people in a similar way. He did, however, definitely mock a reporter with a disability, and that is not OK.
  13. The number thirteen is not cursed. Hail satan, creator of everything and all. On the thirteenth night of the thirteenth month, he will rise and he will raze. There will be a new beginning atop the rubble of a failed world.