After 32 combined seasons of hit reality shows The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, immortal lizard-demon Chris Harrison will be giving half-assed advice to a woman of color on how to win over the most mediocre white hearts America has to offer.
“This is a huge step forward for Black activists everywhere,” ABC producer John Whiteman said Tuesday. “In these divisive times, what we need now more than anything is a bunch of white dudes fighting over a woman of color like a prize to win in a game.”
Whiteman said in a press conference that he finally believes America has reached the equilibrium Malcolm X, Harriet Tubman and Martin Luther King fought for all those years ago, with microwaved Ken doll come-to-life Chris Harrison standing by his side.
“We did it. Thank god racism is over. Everyone was getting so tired, ya know? Being cis-gender and white is still riddled with privilege, obviously, but everyone made white people feel so bad about it all the time. Blech, it was exhausting. Many thanks to The Bachelorette for being the hero we didn’t know we needed.”
Lindsay, a 31-year old lawyer, said in an interview recently that she was excited about the potential prospects in her upcoming season.
“I’m ecstatic about the idea that, at the end of all this, I could be getting married,” Lindsay said. “But what I’m more excited about is that I’m gonna play those white guys like a damn fiddle. They have no idea what’s coming. I will destroy them, one by one, and watch as they crumble over their realization that they are nothing compared to me…I mean, haha yeah living in a house with twenty guys is gonna be so weird!”
Leathery half-rotten pumpkin Chris Harrison and fans are gearing up for the newest season.
“America is rooting for you, Lindsay,” one fan said. “Just remember, if you don’t pick an average white guy with a knock-off David Beckham haircut at the end of this, we will accuse you of being racist.”