Student eating breakfast on way to class having worst day

Witnessed walking down University Avenue Tuesday morning carrying a half-ripe banana, a stale granola bar, and a stern grimace against the chilling winds, University of Wisconsin junior Brennan Stevens was confirmed to be having just the absolute worst day.

“I feel like shit,” remarked Stevens, working against the freezing temperatures on the way to his chemistry lecture. “I have three midterms and I’m working thirty hours this week. I’m not sick, but my nose just keeps leaking phlegm, and to top it off, I’ve got a hangover so old I could potty train it.”

Stevens has reportedly exhibited similar behavior on other occasions, seemingly changing the type and quantity of food in relation to the shittiness of his day.

“I don’t know, it’s like the shittier the day is, the more snack food he brings to lecture,” said roommate and UW Madison Senior Max Young. “When his grandpa died, Brennan brought like a whole box of Honey Nut Cheerios and brought them to a Food Science lecture. You’d think that discussing the reproductive habits of cows would starve someone’s hunger out of them.” Young then leaned in with a grave look and whispered, “Although he didn't have any milk.”


When asked why he was carrying his breakfast with him instead of eating beforehand, Stevens sighed heavily, wiped his nose, and replied “You don’t want to know my morning, man. You really don’t.”