Betsy DeVos to plan Goldman Sachs themed prom

Betsy DeVos received senate confirmation for the role of Secretary of Education Tuesday, with Vice President Mike Pence casting the tie breaker vote. In accordance with her duties as Secretary of Education, her first act as Secretary of Education was to lay out her plan for a Washington DC high school’s Goldman Sachs themed prom.

“These kids only deserve the best,” DeVos said. “However, that doesn’t mean we’re going to offer any handouts. These kids should learn that this world is pay to play, and that’s why we’re having a Goldman Sachs themed prom. There will be no ticket price or ticket sales, to get in you must bribe the class president with whatever you can. That always works.”

Along with the announcement, DeVos outlined her plan for decorating the high school’s gymnasium for the occasion.

  1. The dance floor is a series of conference tables set closely together, with hookers and cocaine on top of each.

  2. There will be no DJ or music, just the sound of the New York Stock Exchange opening bell on repeat.

  3. There will be an income distribution raffle, where the top 1% of participants get almost all the prizes.  

  4. On the outskirts of the gymnasium, select lower class students will be allowed to dance for food scraps.

  5. This party will be under the security of the National Guard, in the event of any Grizzly bear attacks.

“I know some people may not be able to attend in lieu of the high costs,” DeVos said. “There will be a separate prom for the below average students. I am going to use it to teach a few important life lessons, though.”

DeVos also outlined her plan for this prom, this time on crumpled scratch paper.

  1. Students waiting in line to collect so called ‘snack stamps’, while paid chaperones yell at them for not working hard enough.

  2. The punch will be made with water from Flint, Michigan.

  3. The dance floor will be divided into two sections, labelled proficiency and growth, but nobody will know the difference.

  4. Wallflowers will be addressed as weeds.

  5. Dumpsters will have volunteers dressed as babies in them to reinforce abstinence.

  6. There will be strict prom ID laws necessary to attend, and minority students will have less access to them.

  7. There will be rental first aid kits for people to take care of themselves if they get hurt or sick.

Sally Yates, a girl who had to attend the latter prom, claimed she was “Absolutely DeVostated”.