Trump announces plans for national registry of 'haters and losers'

Just days after his inauguration, shock spread throughout the nation when President Donald Trump announced his intention to sign an executive order to institute a domestic registry for “haters and losers.” The administration has not yet explained the purpose of this registry, but confirms that its creation is “vital for reasons of national security.”

In addition to his campaign promise to create a program for the purpose of “extreme vetting” of immigrants from certain countries affected by terrorism, all of which have predominantly Muslim populations, Trump announced his intention to establish a list of haters and losers. The White House has not yet released guidelines regarding what qualities or behaviors constitute a hater or loser.

“Look, we’re just doing this until we can figure things out,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a press conference on Wednesday. “No one loves the haters and losers more than President Trump - he even tweeted about it. He even personally told me that he will do everything in his power to make America great for them, too. But we need to know exactly who these people are, you know, to help them.”

A recent Gallup poll showed overwhelming opposition to the new registry among the American populace, with 78% expressing hesitance and apprehension towards President Trump’s announcement. Many state the parallels between Germany in the 1930s and the United States post-2001.

“First they came for the Muslims, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Muslim. Then they came for the Democrats, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Democrat. Then they came for the haters and losers - and I did not speak out, because I didn’t think I was either a hater or a loser - at least, I’m pretty sure. Then they came for me, and there was no one else left to speak for me,” said Jonn McCalleston, a Madison resident.

Many of Trump’s supporters, however, have expressed their support for Trump’s new order. “Anyone who thinks the Donald’s plan is anything less than genius can go over to Iraqistan and see how much they like it there,” said Jeddah Tollis, a student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “I think Trump should make a registry for everything, so we can keep track of everyone. If anyone gets out of line, Trump’ll body slam ‘em, make it just like Wrestlemania.”