Numerous academics and other faculty members at University of Wisconsin were terrorized Wednesday in a series of robberies spanning two departments.
According to initial reports, a band of argumentative undergraduates donned neon hair dye and cat-eyed glasses early Wednesday morning and broke into both the gender and women’s studies department and the sociology department, allegedly seeking cutting-edge jargon to overuse in online arguments until the terms are bereft of their meaning.
Natalie Dearden, a doctorate professor in the sociology department, said not a single thesis, dissertation or journal article was left untouched in the scramble.
“They were everywhere, clawing rapaciously through stacks of documents and strewing paper every which way like diplomats destroying records during an embassy siege,” Dearden said. “I caught one frantically skimming my most recent article, mumbling about how ethnosocial mistransmogrification sounded ‘real juicy.’ I told her to put it down and she started shrieking that I was 'literally being an ethnosocial mistransmogrifier right now.’”
Dearden said several other members of her department were also retaliatory accused of transgressions they themselves helped rectify through their research.
Meanwhile, Dr. Robert Chang of the gender and women’s studies department said he was nearly bludgeoned to death by dissatisfied raiders in the corner of his office, but was able to force a stalemate by falsely telling his aggressors that they had referred to him using incorrect pronouns.
“They had surrounded me with giant dildos they’d put in their backpacks in support of the ‘Cocks, not Glocks’ campaign,” Chang said. “‘Beat him down!’ the leader yelled. ‘Beat him down!’ Desperate for a way out of the situation, I told them that I actually prefer Ze/Zir/Zirs, which really cut them to the quick.”
Chang said the raiders had gone into an uproar after failing to find any research documents pertaining to the phenomenon of “mommy-jacking,” erupting into a shrill, shrieking cacophony in which the only intelligible word was “Yikes.”
“They just kept screaming ‘yikes,’” Chang said. “‘YIKES! YIKES! YIIIIIIKES!’ Then one of them kicked my door in, shook me by the shoulders and told me she ‘[didn’t] have the spoons to deal with this bullshit today.’”
Both Dearden and Chang said the band of slacktivists nailed content warnings to the front doors of their respective departments before leaving the buildings in shambles.
UWPD has yet to determine the identities of the offenders, though witnesses have said the aggressors seemed to be using Tumblr URLs as codenames.