Op-ed: This bitch motherfucker in lecture needs to stop having my haircut

Fellow students, I have kept my mouth shut for too long. Though my hands tremble with rage as I type, it is time for me to break my silence. We need to talk about Kevin.

Kevvie boy, everyone in our Queer Yiddish Histories lecture is well-aware of your chiseled jawline, immaculately veined forearms, and your glistening dark pools for eyes. But even our T.A. knows that you totally ripped off my haircut, you conniving little fuckwad.

The second week of class, I saw you waltz into the seminar room with undeserved swagger. I knew at once. I knew it was because you visited the barber that weekend and told him, “laddie, give me such a cut that will simply enrage the young man from my lessons.” You thought you had outdone me, you serpent, didn’t you?

You know just as well as I do that your hair does not possess the natural volume required to rock the don’t-give-a-fuck top poof of hair resting upon pristinely faded sides. You may be a handsome devil, but you look like a squirrel died on your head and you left it there because some white irony rapper you read about in Vice did it. Listen here, fucko: it doesn’t work with your cheekbones.

I know you thought I would be silent, just as the proletariat blindly accepts its subjugation by the bourgeoisie. While I may have kept my head down in the past, I will not let this grievance continue without a struggle. I admit, yes, that I am a mere doughy, pale fellow with ill-fitting clothes. I am fully aware that my face kind of looks like someone just pasted it on. But you, sir, will never get me to admit that my stolen cut looks better on you, thieving slime.

Use as much pomade as you like, you cursed metrosexual. Our classmates already know what a sham you are. No, I do not envy you, fool. A storm’s a-brewing, dear Kevin, and it’s gonna find you soon and seize the means. And Jesus H. Christ, the stiff sheen of whatever gel you’re using looks awful.

If there is one thing I can have in this world, Lord, I plead, let me have this goddamned haircut for myself.