Asian journalist excluded after Trump forgets to victimize her at press conference


During his most recent press conference, President Trump vilified minority members of the media. After repeatedly invoking racial stereotypes and cultural marginalizations, Asian reporter Sandra Li felt like she deserved to be included.

“It’s just, he had so many options,” Li said. “He could’ve made fun of my eyes, my accent, my heritage, anything. He burned every single person in that room but me. He skipped right over me and even attacked white male journalists. Is there something wrong with me?”

If Trump refuses to insult Li again, he may not reach his mandated “Standard Level of Unkindness to Reporters”, or SLUR. The SLUR system was put in place at the end of the civil rights era, when Latino reporters were disgruntled at Black reporters being treated better. It ensures equality of poor treatment among minorities. As punishment for not reaching quota, Trump would have to admit his respect for the groups he neglected to insult, in this case Asians and women.

“We’d lose our entire support if he had to admit his respect,” senior strategist Steve Bannon said. “The second we recognize women our sexist base is gone. The second we recognize Asians our racist base it out the window. That’s our entire base.”

Luckily for Bannon, reports say that Li is still extremely bothered by being forgotten. The reports detail her plan to wear a Japanese kimono and loudly eat Thai food, despite being Chinese-American, at the next press conference in order to ensure her marginalization.