Life leaves student’s eyes as 9 PM Sunday approaches

Friends and acquaintances of University of Wisconsin student Jeffrey Garin report witnessing “erratic behavior” and a “complete loss of hope” throughout the day, as late evening approached Sunday.

According to witnesses, Garin had spent most of the day in good spirits.

“We were just watching basketball and cracking open some beers,” Garin’s roommate Ken Milhaven said. Then he started doing some unusual stuff, like pacing in front of the TV, but we thought he was kidding around.”

After some time, those in Garin’s company reported an odd switch in his mood and his eyes beginning to lose their “bright, jolly twinkle.” Despite this, the Sunday evening festivities continued.

“After about an hour the breakdown really started, but we still thought it was pretty funny,” said Mickey Tomlin, who lived on the same floor as Garin freshman year. “Made for some good Snapchats right up until he started, like, pouring beer all over his head and pleading ‘purify me, Father, absolve me with your sweet blood.”

Following this, Garin reportedly fell prostrate onto the floor and sobbed. “It was like watching a giant balloon pop at a parade,” Milhaven said. “We had to pick him up, because he was getting snot all over the carpet.”

Having successfully avoided ruining the carpet, Garin’s friends then discussed how to manage the situation. Although one suggested forming a study group for the rest of the evening, Garin reportedly could not be consoled.

“Then he started hollering over and over like, ‘I haven’t done shit all weekend!’” said Tobi Mudris, a close friend of Garin. Garin, a chemistry major, was then seen yelling “the closest thing I’ve done resembling anything scientific is seeing how baked I can get from snorting kief!”

Mudris allegedly needed to restrain Garin, who had lost all motor control of his limbs.

“Eventually, all he could manage to say was ‘tell me it will be ok’ over and over,” said Mudris. “Apparently he was supposed to have written, like, 3 lab reports over the weekend.”

Following Garin’s meltdown, he was taken to the emergency room for evaluation, but was deemed stable enough for release. However, his actions were not unnoticed by hospital staff. A visibly shaken nurse, who shall remain anonymous upon request, walked past Garin’s room said, “never have I seen a grown man crumple before my eyes like that.”