Amidst controversy over his contact with Russian officials, National Security Adviser Michael Flynn resigned Monday evening. Flynn, now unemployed and unable to pay rent, has been forced to move back in with his Babushka, Helga.
“He’s so distraught that he won’t even touch his herring or vodka,” Helga said. “All he does is watch the parts of action movies where the Russian bad guys look like they’re winning. He has nightmares about Rocky IV. I know he needs his time, but he can’t stay forever.”
Flynn says he is using his "wallowing period" to reflect on the time he spent as the National Security Advisor as a means to cope with the sudden loss of a career.
“I’m looking around for jobs, don’t frickin' rush me,” Flynn said. “It’s not easy jumping back into things after you essentially commit treason. There aren’t exactly job openings for Russian conspirators in town. I can’t even list anybody in the government as a reference anymore.”
Flynn and Helga are allegedly having difficulty adjusting to the situation.
“Michael brought a girl home for Valentine's,” Helga said. “I accidentally walked in on them dirty talking about lifting U.S. sanctions against Russia. He’s only 58, too young for this kind of stuff."
Although Flynn has been hailed for his computer expertise, he says he often has to assist Helga in basic tasks, such as accessing her AOL dial-up connection, participating in eBay auctions for Collector's Edition Stalin figurines and posting her workshop on tax evasion to Craigslist. Further, Flynn says he has to assist Helga "hack her daily quota of American voting machines" each morning over vodka and grits, which conflicts with his alone time with his Catherine the Great cutout.
Flynn says he likes to go out with his friends and share national secrets over some drinks, but says Helga sometimes forbids him from going out.
“I just want some damn independence,” Flynn said. “Helga’s like, some kind of authoritarian ruler or something. If I criticize her she grounds me or worse. She sells paintball guns to to the teams I’m not on. Just yesterday she annexed my bathroom. Something needs to be done about people like her.”