University of Wisconsin Junior Bobby Holmen entered the weekend, like many other Badgers, searching for someone to spend Valentine’s Day with. Also like many Badgers, he emerged unsuccessful. Though most attribute their lack of success to bad luck, Holmen found over the weekend that his crippling anxiety over intimate relationships is what prevented him from finding love.
“Turns out love is scary as fuck,” Holmen said. “Every time I would get close to finding my Valentine, I’d get really sick and just decide not to even do anything with her. I still want a Valentine, but, like, a chill one if possible. One that could just, I don’t know, watch Netflix docs and cuddle with me the night of the 14th...maybe not cuddle.”
Holmen’s fear of intimacy led to many uncomfortable encounters with women over the weekend.
“Not gonna lie, I was ready to go,” sophomore Stacy Kulik said. “Like we were out the door of this party, heading down the front steps, and he just stopped suddenly and said, ‘I forgot my keys.’ He ran back inside and never came back out.”
Others weren’t as surprised by Holmen’s lack of tact.
“Classic guy move. Says pick-up line, talks to me for five minutes, takes me back to his place, touches my bra, starts nervous puking,” senior Maggie Newman said.
Though Holmen did appear to nearly succeed in these situations, not all of his encounters progressed as far.
“He didn't even get past the preliminary phases with me,” junior Gretchen Smith said. “We made sexy eye contact from across the party for like three hours. Finally, he came over and we started dancing, but only started. Within seconds, he pulled me aside and started expressing his deepest fears of intimacy to me. I would’ve thought it was sweet if it weren't for the whole ‘pissing his pants’ thing.”
Despite this embarrassing series of events, Holmen says he remains positive that his dating life will take turn for the better in 2017.
“As much as this weekend sucked, I learned a lot about myself,” Holmes said. “I learned that Valentines Day is a scary time to try to start anything romantic because it implies commitment. And, who knows? Maybe one day I'll find a great girl who will become my girlfriend, and a little ways down the road I'll make her my lawfully wedded...”
As of press time, Holmen was allegedly throwing up so severely he could not finish his statement.