State Street’s Alcohol serving Taco Bell to inevitably double as fight ring

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Stating that serving alcohol and being open until 5 AM wasn’t enough, the new Taco Bell Cantina on State Street will now double as a fight ring. Running from 11PM-3AM on weekdays, the Mexican eatery will be hosting fights between willing UW students. They are calling it “TKO Bell.”

“We really think it’s going to increase profits” said Taco Bell manager, Gary Williams. “People are going to be fighting regardless, so why not make something of it? Plus, what better fuel is there for a bout than a cheesy quesarito? Speaking of quesaritos, there will be a ‘Fight Night Special’ for students willing to step into the ring; one free quesarito for any participant, and two for the winner.”

Many local adults are concerned with the violent nature of the new event. They are worried that it will “promote unnecessary horseplay” and “worsen the effects of alcoholism.” Taco Bell wants to assure local parents and other adults that the new fight ring will do none of the sort.

“Do people really think that the fight ring is going to increase violence?” said employee, Julia Davis. “It’s a Taco Bell… that serves beer… and is open until 5AM. It’s not even open yet and the violence has already peaked.”

Aside from the varied opinions on the fight ring, there is one opinion that is stronger than most: that of the janitorial staff. The new staff, hired believing that cleaning bathrooms in a Taco Bell was rock bottom, realized their misconception when they heard about the fight ring.

“A fight ring? Why? Why do they do this to us?” said maintenance worker Bryan Franklin. “Did they not reach their threshold of disgust with the cantina and endless bean burritos? I swear to you, I have walked in on a couple of college kids hooking up in a stall. This place is a dump. A filthy disappointment for a restaurant. This goddamn fight ring is going to do nothing but provide a couple more bodily fluids that I have to clean up.”

The new Taco Bell and fight ring is set to open on December 15th, and set to close due to health inspection failure soon after.