High school senior seeks sacrificial virgin in bid to boost college applications

Hunter Parker Donovan, 17, a local high school senior, recently posted a Craigslist ad seeking “a willing virgin” to sacrifice to “the Great One, Lord of the Deep and Devourer of Souls, Cthulu” in an apparent effort to improve his chances of getting into the college of his

Said Donovan, “Of course I’ve done everything I can to have a strong application - I have 12 AP credits; I took the SAT and ACT five times each; and of course, we hired an essay tutor and an interview coach, took prep courses, the whole bit. I worked hard, and I deserve this, but it never hurts to have a little boost, you know?”

Donovan is hoping his “boost” will come from Cthulu and, in return, plans to offer “virgin blood” to the mythical sea monster. The ad specifies that a young woman would “be most pleasing to Him and provide the most potent energy for His dark purposes,” but any human virgin will do, according to Donovan.

“The virgin part really is the most important,” says Donovan. “He is most powerful when purity is corrupted to feed His darkness.”  

Donovan plans to complete the sacrifice through fire, using a specialized pyre his parents had built in their backyard.

“It was only $10,000 or so,” said Donovan’s mother, Elizabeth Coverly Donovan, “and, really, nothing’s too much to get Hunter to the Ivies…or Stanford. Stanford might be nice. He’s worked so hard for this. He’s had four or five tutors since kindergarten, violin lessons since he was three…he’s studied abroad, volunteered in Africa – he’s done everything anyone can do, really.”

When asked about the possibility of being charged with first-degree murder for the sacrifice, Hunter, seeming surprised at the suggestion, said he wasn’t worried about it.

“No one’s going to send me to jail if I get into Harvard, or even Yale. Besides, can’t my parents just post bail or whatever and get me out?”   

The Donovans are offering$15,000 to the chosen virgin, as well as $5,000 for their family, plus funeral expenses and travel to the Donovans’ home.