Chancellor: "No threat to campus exists, unless another guy comes with a gun"

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Seeking to mitigate student concerns after a gunman was reported on Bascom Hill Wednesday afternoon, University of Wisconsin Chancellor Rebecca Blank announced, “Thanks to campus police, the incident earlier today was contained with little trouble. No threat to campus exists. Well, unless another guy comes with a gun.”

The UW campus erupted in panic at around noon Wednesday when a mass text message alerted all students that a gunman had been reported near Law Library on Bascom Hill. After moments of anxious waiting, another text message arrived with the all clear. “No threat to campus exists,” it read.

“I’m just so glad that I live on a campus where I never have to worry about any threats,” said sophomore Sean Sellers. “Bears, wolves, volcanic eruptions, you name it. We’re totally safe from everything here. Oh, except gunmen.”

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker was quoted as saying that “he is proud of the University of Wisconsin’s continued tradition of safety and security, so long as firearms aren’t involved. Otherwise… yeah. It’s gonna be bad.”

“It’s our Second Amendment right to bear arms,” Walker told press at the Capitol. “School shootings are terrible, but would you rather we live in a world where school shootings don’t happen or one where Americans are free to keep firearms just in case they have to rebel against the government?”

“In other words, sign me up for more school shootings,” Walker added.

At presstime, Chancellor Blank had begun talks with the state government in order to requisition kevlar vests for all UW students.