New stoplight says “That’s what you get” after student hit by bus

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Students looked on in astonishment this week after Sophomore Carly Street was hit by the 80 at the intersection of Lake and University. What they were surprised at, however, was not the extent of Street’s injuries, but the response of the stoplight, which said “that’s what you get” in its low, robotic tone.

Originally, the audible stop sign was installed to make sure that blind students could cross the street without being hit by a car. The newest addition was added so impatient little shits could do the same. The idea has always been entertained, but was finally installed last week when the city got fed up with driver complaints.

“They walk right into the street staring at the Snapchat machine, stop in the middle to stare at you, and then run the rest of the way when the hand is red,” said one irate Madison driver. “Last time this happened, which was about 32 seconds ago, I was going to just hit her to teach her a lesson, but I don’t have the money to pay for a new windshield.”

The City of Madison hopes that this new addition will deter students from crossing the street on a red light, out of fear of embarrassment.

“Having a stoplight show them up is not something our students like. Also, at Wisconsin, we strive for excellence and to live up to the Wisconsin Idea. The new stoplight takes the learning out of the classroom and directly to the streets to teach the lesson of looking both ways,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank

Although it’s only a recent addition, UW Madison is looking to further the stoplight’s lexicon, such as “please just listen to me” and “for the love of god, just FUCKING WAIT.”