Student Not Going Out on Saturday Night Feels Morally Superior

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As students across campus prepared for Saturday night,  UW freshman Caitlyn Macafee, 19, reported feeling of smug satisfaction and moral superiority as she explained that she repeatedly skips parties, bars, and clubs on Saturday nights, often staying in her dorm and, as she reports, “focusing on self-care”.

“Yeah, I could go out and, like, get drunk, hook up, whatever,” Macafee said, “but I have, like, better things to do with my time. I really feel that staying home and watching an entire season of Supernatural is important for my, like, mental health, you know?”

Macafee also reported that in addition to being a self-righteous martyr, other favorite Saturday-night pastimes include sitting outside her dorm room, watching inebriated students stagger in after 1 AM.

“I do think it’s, like, valuable for them for me to be out there, because I show them how much fun they could be having right here at home," Macafee said. "I can’t think of a better, like, advertisement for staying in than me sitting there with my laptop, totally sober and cruising tumblr by myself, snacks in hand, silently looking down on everyone who isn’t exactly like me. It’s really, like, fun, and I wouldn’t want to spend my Saturdays any other way. Honestly, I wouldn’t go out even if someone did, like, ask me. Unless, you know, they, like, really wanted me to go.”

When reached for comment, Macafee’s roommate left a garbled voice message over dance music in the background. Though difficult to make out, she seemed to refer to Macafee as “weird”, calling her “like, very reclusive” and “definitely a tumblr kind of girl”.

“She can think whatever she wants, that’s, like, her business," Macafee said. "I’m perfectly, happy staying here, listening to German ASMR, looking for continuity errors in Harry Potter fan fiction. What does she want me to say? Sorry if I live a more intellectually fulfilling lifestyle than you.”  

The following Friday night, Macafee was spotted sitting in the Witte Lounge, loudly writing free verse slam poetry.