It’s Halloween Badgers! As the spookiest time of the year is upon us, all your high school friends in the UW system will descend upon Madison in the hopes of finding the best and ghouliest party to sweat at. But as all Badgers know, our out-of-town friends normally find themselves in some spooky predicaments during Halloween. Here’s every drug your friends will have way too much of depending on which school they go to.
Dylan from UW-Eau Claire: A Strong Craft Beer
Your friend Dylan is really into keeping things local, so he’ll waltz into your house party with a six pack of Summer Shanty from Door County. Don’t expect him to be sentient for too long though; One bottle in and he’ll be sweating in his beanie and drunkenly attempting to explain how most fair trade coffee “isn’t even traded fairly, man! It’s ridiculous!” By 1am, he’ll be passed out on your couch, using his flannel as a blanket and dreaming sweet dreams of getting lost in nature.
Brent from UW-Platteville: Bud Light that’s been sitting in the back of their truck
Dude, it took Brent forever to get here! An hour and a half driving, and another two to find a place to park his gigantic Ford F-150. The lack of accessible parking for oversized vehicles won’t stop your only high school buddy with cowboy boots from partying though; he’s got a pack of Bud Light that he forgot about for six months just waiting to be binged. And in case you’re wondering, none of that is for you; Brent will take each and every one of those godforsaken cans and smash them over his head like it’s his mission to ruin all aluminum in the country. By the time the night is over, Brent will be hunched over in the corner of your living room, wondering if the puke stain on his jeans is visible enough to have to wash them.
Deidre from UW-Stevens Point: Moonshine
Deirdre REALLY loves nature, like so much that you wonder if her parents are spirits from the forest. When she visits this halloween she’s not going to be drinking any elixir made for us humanfolk; she’s bringing a specialty moonshine, contained in a dirty mason jar that reeks of salt water and rotting leaves somehow. Ask her where she even got moonshine in 2017, and she’ll look over her shoulder, wink, and reply “The powers of nature are beyond comprehension; Mother Earth has graced us with her presence in the form of an all-mighty refreshment.” Keep a close eye on Deirdre this weekend; too much of this “refreshment” might cause her to retell the story of the forest fire she started as a “cleansing ceremony.”
Jenna from UW-Milwaukee: Weed laced with God knows what
What can you say, Jenna’s a chill friend, and she’s always willing to smoke you up on the cheap. And especially as hectic as your other friends are gonna get, Jenna’s always there to keep you calm. But something’s…up with the stash she’s been bringing around the last couple of times. It tastes like that jelly they use at a dentist’s office to numb your gums before they pull out your teeth, and it makes you feel like you want to kill a rabbit and clean your apartment with its blood. Jenna says she’s been buying out the back door of a Jack in the Box in MKE from a guy with a face tattoo named Xander, and you wonder if this is Xander’s cruel way to get back at the world for the five year stint he did in Waupun for aggravated assault. At any rate, you need to get out of this high as soon as possible, or you’ll be in the same cell as Xander was for animal abuse.
David from Edgewood College: The thrill of being downtown
David really, really wanted to go to UW-Madison, but his credentials weren’t quite there. He wanted to stick around though, and get as much of the Madison experience as possible, so Edgewood was the next best option. From his dorm room in the farthest reaches of the isthmus, David could see the glimmering lights of the capital, hoping one day that he’d be a brisk walk away from State Street. When Halloween rolls around, David will just get too overwhelmed by it all, and faint at the beginning of State Street, right by the 7/11, which honestly isn’t too rare of an occurrence for that place.