Dog bigger factor than criminal record in choosing roommate

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Citing an adorable, goofy smile and a “good amount of fluff,” junior Amanda Jacobs stated that her new roommate’s golden retriever was a bigger factor in her decision to room with them than their past convictions of armed robbery and assault.

“I could be worried, or I could be excited that all of my nights are going to be spent snuggling with this little boy, look at him!” said Jacobs, standing outside the leasing office of JSM properties, scrolling through an album on her phone entitled ‘My new favorite cuddle buddy.’

Amanda’s new roommate, known only has “Hazard,” has been described by those who know her as “a bad person” and “probably a demon.”

“Hazard took my bed sheets, dipped them in pig’s blood, and displayed them in our dorm hallway as a way to ‘establish her territory’” said Rhonda Watson, Hazard’s freshman year roommate. “The only reason she got that damn dog is so that she’d have convincing cover to keep tormenting people.”

Ben McDonnell, a close friend of Amanda, was also quick to chime in.

“Yeah, I get that her dog is literally the sweetest thing in existence, but ‘Hazard’ tried to hit and run my grandma for walking a half second before the light turned green, so personally I’d pass on her. Let’s just say utilities won’t be the only unexpected charge once you’re bailing someone out of jail.”

Despite Hazard's behavior, Jacobs still sees this choice as a good one.

“I’m really looking forward to next year. I may have to settle some disputes with the police from time to time, but that’s nothing compared to the love that this big ol’ doggo will give me!”