New diet soda just kills you


In a recent study conducted by the the UW-Madison Food Science Department, it was found that a new diet soda sold on campus has the added benefit of killing its users. Appropriately named “DIEt”, the low fat soft drink's main selling point is its ability to put users out of their misery within 30 minutes of drinking. Unfortunately, many of the researches from the food science team were unable to comment after the experiment. Only one student, Steven Soderbergh, was able to touch on the study. “I think the project was a big success, and we definitely confirmed the company's claim. I do miss my friends, though.” said Soderbergh.

“DIEt” initially fared poorly among the general population, and logged low sales numbers with average consumers. However, it’s popularity began to skyrocket on the UW-Madison campus immediately after launch. Students across campus are constantly seen drinking “DIEt”, and it is slowly becoming more popular than long time favorites Coke, Pepsi, and Mountain Dew. “It’s the idea behind it” stated Madison student Brett Hoffman, “coffee used to help me stay awake, but with DIEt, I don’t have to!” This quote was not sourced directly from Brett, but rather from a note sent in by his roommate.

Interestingly, there is a direct correlation between “DIEt” sales and time proximity to exams on campus. A study from the statistics department shows that in the five days before exams, sales of the soft drink increased by 40%.

As shocking as the previous statistics are, the new soda is still considered a positive from a health standpoint. Leading expert in sugar intake, Linda Gladwell, said that “regular diet soda has the same effect, just over a longer time period. So, why not just take em’ out now? Plus, it has half the sugar and none of those nasty dyes.” Currently, “DIEt” sales continue to rise, and there is no decrease in sight. The company wants to remind readers thinking of purchasing a can of “DIEt” to remember their slogan: “Life is short, but it’s not worth the wait.”