Donald Trump recently released his action plan for the first 100 days of his presidency. With his inauguration still fresh in the minds of many, we would like the portion of Americans having difficulty functioning to know how they should react to keep America going. Here is a 100-day post-inauguration plan:
Day 11: Sign up for a gym membership to start the new year right.
Days 12-17: Tell all your Facebook friends you love them so many times in one day that they all leave Facebook.
Day 18: Cancel the gym membership.
Day 19: Shake head slowly at Trump officially being named Supreme Ruler.
Days 20-30: Rob every local, mom-and-pop grocery store to save food for the coming apocalypse.
Day 31: Get arrested by the secret police led by Mike Pence.
Day 32: Escape custody.
Days 33-43: Run for the Mexican border.
Day 44: Protest the newly constructed Greatest Wall Ever to Be Built.
Days 45-52: Lead a small, scrappy revolution armed with nothing but your words and wholesome, logical ideals.
Day 53: Get arrested again.
Days 54-68: Sit in a dark, lonely prison cell, wondering of the fate of your friends and family are. Have any been deported? Are they still alive?
Day 69: Giggle at the fact that it’s day 69.
Day 70: Request a meeting with Supreme Leader Trump.
Day 71: Talk with Trump about your ideals only to get thrown out onto the street outside your home.
Days 72-84: Express your opinions on Facebook, while launching several personal attacks at those who disagree with you, ya know, to spark unity.
Day 85: Attempt to access Facebook only to realize that it has been shut down by Trump’s “Stop the Worst People in the World From Being Mean to Me” Task Force.
Days 86-91: Lay on your cold linoleum bathroom floor and contemplate whether or not your life has meaning anymore.
Day 92: Pick up the phone with the intention of calling your friends, but hang it up because you just can’t have fun anymore.
Days 93-95: Lay in your bed and order pizza from the new Amazon grocery store for every meal.
Day 96: Slowly step each greasy, cheese-covered foot out of bed.
Day 97: Press your oily hands against your bedroom window.
Day 98: Admire the beautiful light that still remains in the sky even after these trying few months.
Day 99: Go out into the world.
Day 100: Make America Great Again.