Woman makes difference by pressing crosswalk button for third time

The group of 14 students waiting to cross needed a hero. It had been over 20 seconds since Sophomore Micah Lasseter pressed the crosswalk button to no avail. Hope was all but lost when Lasseter made the unexpected move of pushing the sign again, and then waiting a bit and pressing it once more.

“The fluorescent red hand was taunting me,” Lasseter said. “Time slowed to the point where I could barely tell cars were passing. Did I really press it the first time? I mean of course I did, but did I really?”

Junior Randall Swan has come forward praising Lasseter’s decision to press the button again.

“I heard the first beep and I was like ‘oh, ok’” Swan said. “Then some time went by and she pressed it again. I felt so safe. My life was in her hands, and I like those odds.”

“Wait,” the crosswalk sign said after her second push, but it was clear that Lasseter was not going to take that for an answer. After 15 more seconds, she pressed it again, and the crosswalk sign immediately switched to the friendly green pedestrian.

Rather than walking across the street, Lasseter was triumphantly carried across by her peers as they chanted her name to the sky.

If ISIS has good enough credit to buy a Toyota Tacoma, why don't I?

I am not a perfect man. I sometimes pay my electricity bill a few days late. I put a bit too much on my credit card. A few years ago I got behind on mortgage payments. But never in my 56 years of life have I committed acts of terror designed to senselessly murder innocent people in the name of reclaiming my way of life. So someone, anyone, please explain to me why I fail Toyota’s credit check, and ISIS does not.

It would be one thing if one member of the infamous terror organization got through Toyota’s rigorous three page credit check. Accidents happen. But it is not one man. ISIS owns DOZENS of Toyota Tacomas. Even with the zero down, zero percent APR Toyota offers, ISIS has spent thousands of dollars at Toyota dealers, and passed multiple credit checks. Is there something I’m missing here?

There is no way members of ISIS have better credit than me. These are men who live in hiding, or in the middle of nowhere. How do they even get credit cards? What bills do they pay? Toyota sells their fine vehicles to customers with jobs and cash flow. Is ISIS only a part time job? Do these men have stable careers with ISIS as a hobby?  How can I be less fiscally responsible than a terrorist?

The worst part is, ISIS gets all their Tacomas in the color I wanted, that sleek looking white. Now, whenever I see one on the street, I have to be reminded not only of ISIS, but also of my shitty credit score.

I will never understand how ISIS has built their credit score throughout the years. The only other option is that Toyota is assisting ISIS in their terror. If that is the case, Toyota please hear my plea. My wife and I have to ride around in our 10 year old Ford F-150 with over 200,000 miles. If that isn’t the true meaning of terror, what is? 

Freshmen roommates agree that they're cool with each other bringing girls over, as if that would ever happen


After meticulously lofting their beds to make room for their gaming systems, freshmen dorm mates Mike Petrov and Andrew Mclaren turned in their roommate agreement to their RA. They signed off on being ok with each other bringing girls over, but they both know in the back of their heads that it’s a pipe dream.

“Yeah, I’m a sex positive guy,” Mike said. “I’m absolutely positive it exists. No doubt in my mind it’s out there somewhere.”

“I mean, I don’t know if it’ll happen every weekend,” Andrew said. “But I have a feeling this lofted bunk bed is going to be the home of a lot of wild lovemaking.”

Upon seeing the roommate agreement, their RA scoffed and put it in a pile with the agreements of all the other naive boys.

The boys both downloaded tinder this week, and excitedly announce to each other when they finally get another match. So far girls have rejected their advances by being “super tired”, “studying”, and “full of self respect”, but Andrew and Mike adorably still have hope.

As a precaution, Andrew has already memorized Mike’s schedule so that he knows when he’s safe to jerk off.

Freshman in aisle seat half hour before class loves when asses gently graze him

Sitting in Humanities 3650 35 minutes before his Journalism 241 lecture, incoming Freshman Jordan Daniels says that while the ability to choose his favorite seat is part of the incentive to show up early, the feeling of buttocks coming ever closer to his face as they pass him is the real reason why he’s there.

“What better feeling is there at 8:30 in the morning than the gentle touch of a behind as it passes you, just waiting to learn?” remarked Daniels, stationed at his 7th row aisle seat. “Some people exercise to wake up in the morning. Some people drink coffee. But why do any of that when you can greet the day with a big ol’ cup of the booty?”


At last report, Daniels was off to his Agriculture lecture an hour early, remarking that he “had to get there before all the other ‘ass-fanatics’ took the best spots.”

Local man with huge bike tires must be compensating for something

Dylan Duhey was described by bystanders to be “overcompensating” for something during a commute down the Lakeshore path last Thursday.

Duhey was seen on what is called a “fat tire” bike around 6 pm last Thursday. As fat tire bikes are designed for snowy conditions or rides on rough terrain, his ride down the flat Lakeshore bike path raised questions for locals using the path at the same time.

“Woah nice tires, asshole,” said path-user Deanna Williams. “You know making your tires bigger doesn’t have the same effect on your package.”

While other members of the Madison community have been seen using these bikes during the summer and fall, Duhey is known for other methods of overcompensation as well. He has been spotted in full biking spandex during his two mile commute to work.

“He says the tires are for snow, but he put them on in August?” says Duhey’s co worker Brian McGreggor. “Whatever, the guys going through a breakup and I’m sure he’s just feeling a little self conscious.”

While many say the tires are “impractical” and are being used to offset some personal embarrassment, Duhey has rebuffed these statements.

 “Sure they’re not always practical but who says everything has to be practical? Can’t a guy just treat himself to some sick new tires?” said Duhey, while pulling a wheelie on the Shorewood Hills bike path.