New stoplight says “That’s what you get” after student hit by bus

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Students looked on in astonishment this week after Sophomore Carly Street was hit by the 80 at the intersection of Lake and University. What they were surprised at, however, was not the extent of Street’s injuries, but the response of the stoplight, which said “that’s what you get” in its low, robotic tone.

Originally, the audible stop sign was installed to make sure that blind students could cross the street without being hit by a car. The newest addition was added so impatient little shits could do the same. The idea has always been entertained, but was finally installed last week when the city got fed up with driver complaints.

“They walk right into the street staring at the Snapchat machine, stop in the middle to stare at you, and then run the rest of the way when the hand is red,” said one irate Madison driver. “Last time this happened, which was about 32 seconds ago, I was going to just hit her to teach her a lesson, but I don’t have the money to pay for a new windshield.”

The City of Madison hopes that this new addition will deter students from crossing the street on a red light, out of fear of embarrassment.

“Having a stoplight show them up is not something our students like. Also, at Wisconsin, we strive for excellence and to live up to the Wisconsin Idea. The new stoplight takes the learning out of the classroom and directly to the streets to teach the lesson of looking both ways,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank

Although it’s only a recent addition, UW Madison is looking to further the stoplight’s lexicon, such as “please just listen to me” and “for the love of god, just FUCKING WAIT.”

 

Student attempts to cash in extra hour from Daylight Savings Time during midterm

UW-Madison student Ryan Collins unsuccessfully attempted to pause reality and cash in his “extra hour” from the daylight savings time change this past week by reciting an incantation that would purportedly buy him more time during his Psychology 202 midterm exam. His classmates reported that he ran out of the room in the middle of the test and heard ritualistic chanting followed by screams of agony.

“Yeah, he just randomly got up and left the room, and then we all heard him start saying weird stuff and yelling like his life was over,” said Maria Perez, his classmate who sat next to him during the exam.

“Everyone was telling me we were getting an extra hour from daylight savings, but no one was talking about how they were going to use it,” Collins said. “So I figured, why not try skirt the rules of the space-time continuum and give myself some extra time for an exam I didn’t study for?”

He also said that instead of studying for the exam he practiced the Reddit-sourced incantation that would supposedly pause time in only his reality for an hour, theoretically giving him just enough time to guess on all of the multiple-choice questions and bullshit his answers to the essays. However, when he attempted to summon his extra hour, nothing happened, causing him to scream in anguish and realize that he should probably return to his seat before he failed the entire fucking test.

 

Area man’s teeth completely dissolve after forgetting to wear retainer one night

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Orthodontists everywhere are nodding smugly after Madison resident, Clark Keaton, woke up to find his teeth completely dissolved after forgetting to wear his retainer for one night. This is a first in the dental world, as most patients experience minimal effects after deciding that a piece of plastic is not going to control their lives.

“I’ve worn it religiously for the last thirty five years!” said Clark, “I came home late last night after a tax appointment with good ol’ H&R Block, and crashed on the couch after an episode of Sixty Minutes. I didn’t even think about putting in my retainer.”

Contrasting with Clark’s reaction, his orthodontist, Mark Toffness, was not surprised in the least, saying “Clark had it coming. You forget to wear that baby, you deserve to face the punishment.” Mark then unfastened his own headgear and removed his industrial grade steel retainer so he could speak more clearly. “These pearlies haven’t moved since Nam!” said Toffness.

Keaton has managed to continue living a semi-normal life since the incident. He is still able to work as a cashier at the local Walgreens, and regularly enjoys a trip to the local bar to catch up with his “chums.” In his words, “As long as I can still suck back a couple lukewarm glasses of virgin rum and coke after a night of conversation with the old lady, I’ll do just fine.”

In an interview with Clark’s wife, Nancy, she informed us of her excitement about the change. “If this means he’ll shut his goddamn mouth about my retainer, I’m thrilled” said Nancy.

Despite Nancy’s hopes, Clark’s mouth is as open as ever, gums and nothing else.

 

Father of middle schoolers afraid he pierced “Gay Ear”

A local man and father of two recently reported that as his children enter middle school he fears they may notice his ear piercing is located on the "gay ear”.

“I was like 15, and I thought it would be cool and edgy,” says the father, who wished to remain anonymous. “I thought that the piercings would be totally badass, but I never bothered to ask if they were piercing the gay ear or not, so I just hoped they pierced the right one.”

While listening to a substantial amount of blink-182 and Sum 41 during his formative years, the father hoped the piercing would help him fit in with the “it” crowd, but he believes all it’s done for him is left him in a state of pure terror.

“I’m constantly on edge,” said the father, “I once saw my oldest son, who’s now in 8th grade, stare at my ear just a bit too long the other day. So I panicked and sent him to his room. He didn’t even go to school that day. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m becoming a mess.”

The local father hoped that simply piercing the other ear would stop any questions of his sexuality from his children, who, as he notes, have never asked. But he reported that the second piercing only made his children stare at him more.

“I have nothing against homosexuality, but those middle schoolers sure fucking did. I heard one of them totally cracked this kid’s head open on the gym floor just because he said he liked ‘Grease.’ I’m not about to let that kinda shit happen to me, especially not in my own home. I don’t want my brains all over the gym floor.”

 

 

 

Amazon’s new drone service to go around cities sticking kids with vaccinations

 

In a press conference last Saturday, Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, announced an exciting new service where Drones will fly around cities sticking local children with vaccinations for various diseases.

“We’re very excited to implement this revolutionary tech in ways that exceed more than simply delivering mail to consumers,” said one Amazon rep. “We see this as only the beginning for Amazon’s new domestic well-being programs.”

In the conference, Bezos stated that the program, titled the “Domestic Purification of Undesirable Burdens,” would be implemented initially in “test cities,” with potential candidates being Jackson, MS; New Orleans, LA; and Flint, MI. “We really wanted to reach out to cities which we found were impoverished or unclean and would benefit the most from a cleansing of the population,” an Amazon rep told our reporters.

And this is “only the beginning.” According to our sources, exec’s at Amazon are pushing for mobile cleansing stations by spring 2018, with what they call the “Domestic Elaborate and Tactical Healer” squads.

“We hope that the public sees what good we’re trying to accomplish and for them to support us in future endeavors. When we do eventually roll out our line of environmentally-conscious drones which will spray a sanitizing mist of Zyklon C in public parks, we at Amazon believe the people will see the good we’re doing not just for the good of the planet, but for the future of our people.”