Gold tier students to get first dibs on stale pizza


This week UW-Madison officials announced that they will be institution a tiered system of paying for dining hall food, with tiers being “Bronze”, “Silver”, and “Gold”, depending on how much money students have on their account. Senior Landon Pratt immediately invested his life savings into it so he could be a gold member as soon as possible.

On Tuesday morning, just as Gordon’s was opening up, a line formed in front of the pizza counter. Usually Pratt would just have to show up earlier than everyone to get first dibs on the stale pizza, but on Tuesday Pratt walked in one minute before opening and held up his Gold Membership card. The lesser Bronze and Silver members immediately let him through.

“I’m just glad I got to see one in person,” said Bronze member Andrew Thompson. “One day, if I’m lucky, I dream of being a Gold member.”

As Pratt ate his pizza, trickle down economics was practiced by the Bronze’s who opened their mouths beneath Pratt to catch the excess pizza grease.

The Definitive Ranking of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade


10. The Colonels Road Trip to NYC

This float features Colonel Sanders Cadillac next to a juicy bucket of fried chicken, bringing good ol’ Kentucky racism back to the city in style

9. Frozen’s Olaf

There’s no better reminder of global warming than watching a snowman whose destiny is to melt fly above a snowless New York City.

8.  The Goo-Goo Dolls

Nothing says ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ more than blond highlights and leather jackets


7.  Half-Baked Holiday Sweets

Most likely, they are not the only thing half-baked at your Thanksgiving


6. Tough Guy Trycaloon

This bald-headed tattooed dude riding a tiny bicycle was found to be Donald Trump’s biggest role model in an interview he recently had with CNN


5. Harold the Policeman and Harold the Fireman and Harold the Baseball Player

The classic dynamic trio took a #twinning picture before launching into the skies


4. Pikachu

The fun yellow guy sent Poke-hunters into a frenzy this morning until they realized he was on their TV screen and did not exist in real life


3. Daily News’ Big Apple

This float was seen as a big fuck you to Trump’s fake news frenzy this past year

2. Al Roker

Wouldn’t you like to have your name announced the way Al Roker announces the Pillsbury balloon

1. Santa

Because Christmas and Thanksgiving are apparently the same holiday now and if you say Happy Holidays, then you are not a real American

Existential crisis solved with shitty haircut

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Following another mid-life existential crisis resulting in the superficial examination of her lifestyle, 46 year old Martha Weber decided to change up her banal lifestyle with a shitty haircut. Weber said she was inspired by the bravery of Katy Perry, who has used the same method of easing existential angst in the past.

“Look how short it is now!” said Weber, “Can you believe it? It’s short. Crazy right? What made me do it was Katy’s song ‘Roar’. It gave me the courage I needed to go through with such a big step like this. Have you heard it?”

Weber’s bullshit hairdo sprouted out of her desire to do something “crazy” after realizing she was halfway done with her lifelong trudge through meaninglessness.  The reckless decision was made after Weber took three weeks to decide whether or not to dye her hair in addition to the cut.

“I went with purple” Said Weber, “It’s a bit different, ya know? I like to be adventurous so this color really suits me. Everyone can definitely hear me roar now!”

Despite taking such bold step so recently, Weber is already making plans for the next time she needs to courageously numb the feeling existential anxiety brought on by some stupid bullshit.

“I think I’ll go with red next time. Maybe I’ll cut it even shorter! Who knows? All I know is that I’m gonna make Katy proud. Roar!”

Weber’s last crisis of existence, brought on by her interpreting a flower on the beach as a sign that she should change her life, ended with her trying to learn how to make shitty utensils out of some pretentious exotic wood. Her two wooden spoons and half-finished cup have been sitting in the attic since her angst subsided.

“Ever since then, whenever I do anything I ask myself, ‘is what I’m doing making me roar?’, and if the answer is ‘no’, then I don’t do it. There’s nothing better than that song. Well, except maybe for dark horse. It’s so good, I think I am the dark horse. Have you heard it yet?”


Niece gives table scraps to dog in best defense of trickle-down economics ever presented

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Citing a lack of hunger and a love of the family pet, Madison six-year-old Ciara Simpson was found to have given Thanksgiving leftovers to her dog, a four-year-old labrador named Goober. This display has already been recognized by experts as the only solid working example of trickle-down economics ever presented.

“He just looked hungry, and I love him so much that I thought I would treat him to something special for being the greatest!” said Simpson, standing adjacent to Goober in the family kitchen, unaware that she had just accomplished what conservative economists have tried and failed to do for nearly 40 years.



“Are you goddamn kidding me?” said Jason Rothstein, an economist at the University of Chicago. “We’ve applied complex economic theories, real world studies, and hundreds of thousands of research dollars into trying to prove that Reaganomics works, and this is it? This is the best we can get? I need to call the dean.”

“Yeah, this kind of proves our point” said Jessica Sandoval, a liberal economist at the University of California-Irvine. “All the power to the six-year-olds among us, but this really does show the power of any economic system that doesn’t directly benefit those at the top.”

At last report, Ciara had put Goober outside after causing a mess in the kitchen, which has become the best conservative argument for stricter immigration legislation.


High school senior seeks sacrificial virgin in bid to boost college applications

Hunter Parker Donovan, 17, a local high school senior, recently posted a Craigslist ad seeking “a willing virgin” to sacrifice to “the Great One, Lord of the Deep and Devourer of Souls, Cthulu” in an apparent effort to improve his chances of getting into the college of his

Said Donovan, “Of course I’ve done everything I can to have a strong application - I have 12 AP credits; I took the SAT and ACT five times each; and of course, we hired an essay tutor and an interview coach, took prep courses, the whole bit. I worked hard, and I deserve this, but it never hurts to have a little boost, you know?”

Donovan is hoping his “boost” will come from Cthulu and, in return, plans to offer “virgin blood” to the mythical sea monster. The ad specifies that a young woman would “be most pleasing to Him and provide the most potent energy for His dark purposes,” but any human virgin will do, according to Donovan.

“The virgin part really is the most important,” says Donovan. “He is most powerful when purity is corrupted to feed His darkness.”  

Donovan plans to complete the sacrifice through fire, using a specialized pyre his parents had built in their backyard.

“It was only $10,000 or so,” said Donovan’s mother, Elizabeth Coverly Donovan, “and, really, nothing’s too much to get Hunter to the Ivies…or Stanford. Stanford might be nice. He’s worked so hard for this. He’s had four or five tutors since kindergarten, violin lessons since he was three…he’s studied abroad, volunteered in Africa – he’s done everything anyone can do, really.”

When asked about the possibility of being charged with first-degree murder for the sacrifice, Hunter, seeming surprised at the suggestion, said he wasn’t worried about it.

“No one’s going to send me to jail if I get into Harvard, or even Yale. Besides, can’t my parents just post bail or whatever and get me out?”   

The Donovans are offering$15,000 to the chosen virgin, as well as $5,000 for their family, plus funeral expenses and travel to the Donovans’ home.