New diet soda just kills you


In a recent study conducted by the the UW-Madison Food Science Department, it was found that a new diet soda sold on campus has the added benefit of killing its users. Appropriately named “DIEt”, the low fat soft drink's main selling point is its ability to put users out of their misery within 30 minutes of drinking. Unfortunately, many of the researches from the food science team were unable to comment after the experiment. Only one student, Steven Soderbergh, was able to touch on the study. “I think the project was a big success, and we definitely confirmed the company's claim. I do miss my friends, though.” said Soderbergh.

“DIEt” initially fared poorly among the general population, and logged low sales numbers with average consumers. However, it’s popularity began to skyrocket on the UW-Madison campus immediately after launch. Students across campus are constantly seen drinking “DIEt”, and it is slowly becoming more popular than long time favorites Coke, Pepsi, and Mountain Dew. “It’s the idea behind it” stated Madison student Brett Hoffman, “coffee used to help me stay awake, but with DIEt, I don’t have to!” This quote was not sourced directly from Brett, but rather from a note sent in by his roommate.

Interestingly, there is a direct correlation between “DIEt” sales and time proximity to exams on campus. A study from the statistics department shows that in the five days before exams, sales of the soft drink increased by 40%.

As shocking as the previous statistics are, the new soda is still considered a positive from a health standpoint. Leading expert in sugar intake, Linda Gladwell, said that “regular diet soda has the same effect, just over a longer time period. So, why not just take em’ out now? Plus, it has half the sugar and none of those nasty dyes.” Currently, “DIEt” sales continue to rise, and there is no decrease in sight. The company wants to remind readers thinking of purchasing a can of “DIEt” to remember their slogan: “Life is short, but it’s not worth the wait.”


Area man having trouble deciding how to waste time


With only a few precious hours with which he can avoid the pain of responsibility and consequence, area man Andrew Ostine is unable to decide on how to waste this fleeting time. Ostine says that with such a large selection of time wasting activities to choose from, he is facing a tough decision on how to make the most out of his unproductive afternoon.

“I could watch Netflix," Said Ostine. "But I don’t really want to watch anything I’ve been watching, but I also don’t feel like starting anything new. Playing video games is a classic, but I feel like I should do something special this time around.”

Having avoided the basic responsibilities of maturity such as doing laundry, grocery shopping, and checking his bank account balance, Ostine says that with nothing to look forward to other than guilt and the pain of an unfulfilled lifestyle, he fears that he might be in for one of the most stressful relaxation periods of his life.

“I was set on taking a nap, but then I realized that if I slept it would feel like time went quicker than if I stayed awake.” said Ostine.  “But if I stay awake, I’ll have to think about how much it’s gonna suck when I start doing work. Honestly I kind of wish I could just start doing it now, but I’ve already committed to making nothing of this time, and once I commit to something I follow through.”

At the time of this publication, Ostine has yet to decide how to avoid the pang of obligation before the weight of adulthood comes crashing down.


UWPD officer dejectedly writes '0' on "days without kidnapping attempt" chalkboard

It was reported Wednesday that University of Wisconsin Police Department (UWPD) Chief Troy Munoz dejectedly wrote a '0' on the station’s “days without kidnapping attempt” whiteboard following the attempt Monday night to take a woman hostage by two armed men near Observatory Drive.


Witnesses saw Munoz sighing heavily upon hearing the news, closing the Youtube video he was watching, and walking to the whiteboard where he wiped off the “729” written on the board that represented the previous amount of days that the force had gone without a kidnapping attempt. The ‘729’ was replaced by ‘0.’

“We were so proud of that,” Munoz said, “We constantly have to erase the alcohol citation and public urination boards, but that one was one of our highest, after attempted murder and reheating leftover fish in the microwave. Mike in accounting made sure we all learned our lesson on that one.”

The news left many members of the force disappointed, as the tally was seen as a source of pride for the department.  

“So close, yet so far,” officer Daryl Casey said. “One more day would have made it two years without a kidnapping, and the whole office would have gotten a “Taken” movie night.

UWPD says they plan on publishing a vague, generic statement condoning kidnapping and saying they will do everything they can to fix the problem.However insiders have revealed UWPD intends to staff cop cars in the location of the crime until concern dies down. Officials estimate this will take between five and eight business days.

“Those two dingbats just made our lives a whole lot harder,” officer Ken Herrera said. “Couldn’t they have just gone a few yards off campus and done it so we wouldn’t have to deal with this? They have no idea how much work it takes to make it look like we’re solving a problem here.”

Secretary Jenny Smith noted that she would have to cease working on her usual responsibilities for the foreseeable future to focus on this conundrum.

“Looks like I’ll have to take a break from shredding important legal documents, helping to cover up misconduct, and fudging sexual assault numbers to make the university look better to focus on this kidnapping thing,” she said. “As long as we don’t have another robbery or a clown with a knife this year I think we’ll be fine.”



Forever 21 paleontology department translates dinosaur language





According to a study published earlier this month, a local team of paleontologists at Forever 21 has recently deciphered an ancient dinosaur language. After months of data collection and analysis, the team concluded that “Rawr” means “I love you” in dinosaur. This slogan was immediately printed onto thousands of shirts, phone cases, and other pieces of first world garbage.


“The culture here in Madison really seems to dig the dino vibe” said the Madison Forever 21 manager. The deciphered dinosaur shirts were an instant hit on the UW Campus and elsewhere in Madison. People of all ages, demographics, and progressive political beliefs have been enjoying the informative graphic clothing.


“I love love love my dino tee!” exclaimed Tara S., a graduate student pursuing a paleontology degree at UW Madison. “It really shows my angry and lovable sides, you know? Like, at first, the ‘Rawr’ is kind of scary, but then you realize that the little guy just loves you. So cute!” Aside from the immense demand for the shirts, what surprised the Forever 21 team the most was the age range of the customers. According to the purchase database, the average age of a “Rawr” shirt buyer is between 19-21. This fact has the translation team stumped. After successfully decoding an otherwise unknown dinosaur language, translating it to English, and preparing it for market, the team said they were “beyond devastated” to learn how their discovery was being put to use. “The decision to use the language for consumer trash makes me wish I would have given up on my childhood dream” said one of the paleontologists.  


After a week of the dinosaur products being on the market, the entire paleontology team left Forever 21. Soon after, they all found work on a new project excavating the dimly-lit back room at the local Spencer Gifts


Professor limits laptop use to students within five-foot radius of him

New UW-Madison professor Nicholas Adams has caused a stir in his Chemistry 103 class by instituting a new rule only allowing students to take notes using a laptop within a five-foot radius of him during lecture. Adams marks this boundary daily by spray-painting a circle at the front where he talks during lecture in red and then writing "LAPTOPS" within the circle and "NO LAPTOPS" outside the circle. The new rule has forced his students to arrive at lecture much earlier than they usually would in order to have a chance to get a coveted spot within the spray-painted circle.


  "I skipped a midterm to come 2 hours early and STILL didn't get a spot," said student Theo White.

   "I didn't even bring paper or a pencil to school and I'm definitely too lazy to go buy them, so if I don't get a spot I'm screwed," said Noah Curtis.

When asked to explain his policy, Adams struggled to defend it.

   "W-well, there was Vox video my mom sent me, and this thing from Buzzfeed my colleague showed me...they talked about how if you sit too far away it’s kinda hard to pay attention..." he said before losing his train of thought. When asked about why he used a five-foot radius, Adams appeared to deflect the question, beginning to spin around in his office chair and wonder aloud if “ambisextrous” would be a better word to describe bisexual people.

The new rule has also caused headaches for the Chemistry Building's janitorial staff, who have not taken kindly to their new responsibility of cleaning the remnants of the spray-painted circles each night.

"Oh, it's that new guy?" Janitor Mario Mendez said, in reference to Mr. Adams. "Yeah, that new rule of his is so stupid. I don’t get it. Five foot radius, front half of the classroom, who does that idiot think he is telling kids they can’t use laptops like it’s the Dark Ages? Not to mention he destroys the floor every day and WE have to deal with it.”

 "I mean, it is their job to clean it up," Adams said.