UW Minorities to Receive Free Tuition For 2011-2012 School Year
December 16, 2010
Madison, Wis.—Chancellor Biddy Martin announced new minorities policy on Monday, which includes free tuition for minorities on campus.
Chancellor Martin decided to demolish the “white-flight” reputation of the University of Wisconsin Madison and give minorities more incentive to attend next year.
“We have an obligation to include more diversity on this campus,” says Chancellor Martin. “And if they decide to come, we’ll give them a free gift basket of up to $20 grand.”
Caucasians make up over 90% of the University while the other races tally up to 1%. The remaining 9% comprise construction workers from Observatory Drive, Park Street, Union South, The Discovery Center, and remaining the Secret Service stuck on top of Memorial Library.
“White students don’t have a firm grasp on anything but white people,” says Dean of Minorities Fuscia Green. “And let’s be honest here, all white people have the money to pay for this.”
Serious debate has erupted among the higher ranks of the university. Some don’t believe handouts should be handed out.
Student Alexis Moorless believes she has earned her education, and students must work to get into this university.
“It’s just not right. This is my education, so why do they need to intrude?” she asks. “And also, the more minorities here, the more likely I’m going to get raped. So let’s take that into account.” Moorless then drove down State Street in her limo.
Moorless’ opinions are not unique on this campus. Rallies planned for Library Mall will protest the new decisions by Chancellor Martin. Student Org “Poor White Kids” organized the event, but none of them will attend because they all work to put themselves through school.
One outspoken advocate in favor of the new legislation is UW basketball coach Bo Ryan. “Seriously, you want a quote about why I think more minorities should come to school here? I’m the basketball coach.”
The topic most debatable is the definition or qualification of a minority.
Moorless says, “I mean, I know black people are minorities, but I’m from the east coast. So there’s less than 50 percent of us here, right? So I’m a minority too.
“Plus, I’ve never even seen a black person.”
Many RSOs are attempting to define themselves as minorities in order to appeal to the new tuition rules.
David Feldsteinmangold represents UW Hillel and claims Jewish students should qualify for free tuition. “We make up like 30 percent of the white people here. That’s way less than 50 percent.
“Also, it is difficult being a Jewish student on campus. The only place we feel welcome is the beautiful, new $11 Million building right on campus. We need this free tuition to feel more apart of this campus,” says Feldsteinmangold.
The boundaries that define a minority are hazy, as the amendment included no restrictions to define the term. LGBT students believe they are minorities, as do all six Scandinavian Studies majors.
College Republican’s president Dick Racists claimed minority status on his organization’s members.
Racists say, “Look, I love minorities, but they don’t deserve this. Those who have radically different views than the majority of campus, the republicans, deserve the free tuition to feel more welcome.
“During the 08 election, if I said McCain in a class discussion, I was literally stoned. By stoners, probably. This free tuition must go to our College Republicans. Also, let’s get rid of taxes.”
The administration plans to define minorities at the upcoming board meeting. “Hopefully, we’ll define the word at that meeting, and we’ll get back to you then.” Qdoba plans on catering the event. INS agents have been notified.